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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27983676">Ed Gets Schooled (By a Teacher)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellegy42/pseuds/Ellegy42'>Ellegy42</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, School</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:15:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,226</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27983676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellegy42/pseuds/Ellegy42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As it turns out, sometimes school CAN teach you something important.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ed Gets Schooled (By a Teacher)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So. This is a thing, now. This was inspired by some fic I read ages ago where Ed got mistaken for a schoolkid on a field trip, and then my head said "But what if Mustang was like 'Nope, never seen this little shit before'?" So, please read and laugh at my story. This is also now crossposted from FFN.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ed Gets Schooled (By a <em>Teacher!</em>)</p>
<p>"I hate cafeteria food," Ed grumbles, dumping a tray of mystery meatloaf and watery potatoes onto a table. "Why do I have to eat <em>cafeteria food?</em>"</p>
<p>"Dude, Fullmetal's back in town," he hears at the next table, followed by something he doesn't catch and a round of laughter. Ed tunes them out.</p>
<p>Havoc laughs at him, grinning. "Because you gave Al your wallet, remember? He wanted to go pick up a gift for what's-her-name, Elysia."</p>
<p>Ed just <em>humph</em>s again, because yes he wants to get Elysia something nice but he also <em>doesn't</em> want to eat cafeteria food. On the upside, though- Ed shrugs and digs in, because he can eat as much as he wants and doesn't have to pay a <em>dime</em>.</p>
<p>"Don't you have work to do or something?" Ed snarks when Havoc grins brightly at him.</p>
<p>"Yeah." The older man droops. "I don't <em>wanna</em> go back to work, though! The lieutenant is going to <em>kill</em> me for screwing up those forms earlier!"</p>
<p>"Tough," Ed snorts, "If I've gotta go report to the asshole, <em>you've</em> gotta clean up your damn mess. Go, shoo, get."</p>
<p>"See if I help <em>you</em> next time you need a favor," Havoc retorts. He shoves himself to his feet. "Ah well, I do need to get going, though. See you later, Chief!"</p>
<p>Once Havoc has wandered off, Ed returns to his meal, ignoring the soldiers on all sides. The only obnoxious thing is the way the gossip never stops, because while it's awesome at first, it still gets old real quick. Besides, half of them are about how he's <em>short</em>. He tunes them out, most of the time.</p>
<p>"I said '<em>Excuse me,</em>' young woman!'" A sour voice snaps in his ear.</p>
<p>He turns to glare at the obnoxious woman who's so rudely interrupted his lunch. And really, she should be <em>glad</em> she's only got her hands on her hips like she can say <em>shit</em> to him, because if she'd grabbed his shoulder he would've had her on the floor with a broken wrist in zero-point-eight seconds.</p>
<p>"<em>What?</em>"</p>
<p>"It's time to continue with our tour, young <em>man</em>," She sniffs, giving his coat and long hair a disapproving glance. "Come along, now."</p>
<p>"What the hell are you talking about?" Ed snaps, not bothering to stand up. Someone snickers- they're lucky; if Ed wasn't dealing with this lady, he'd <em>gut</em> them.</p>
<p>"I don't know which group you're supposed to be with, but we <em>will</em> be discussing this with your parents and the principal when we've returned to school."</p>
<p>What?</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p>
<p>That is fucking <em>bullshit.</em></p>
<p>Three more people snicker, louder this time.</p>
<p>Ed can't decide if he wants to grin like a madman and cackle in her face, or tell her <em>exactly</em> where to stick it. He goes with option number two.</p>
<p>"Rack off, Lady, I'm not with your school." And follows <em>that</em> with option number one, pulling his pocket watch out with a smug grin.</p>
<p>"Oh, <em>really?</em>" The woman asks indulgently, completely missing the significance of a silver watch bearing the seal of the Amestrian military. "Then who <em>are </em>you with?"</p>
<p>"Don't you recognize the watch?" Ed bites out, "I'm with the fucking military, now buzz off."</p>
<p>The woman's face loses any sign of good humor it had had. "Watch your tongue, young man. I do not appreciate backtalk. Now, what is your name?"</p>
<p>"Edward Elric. Youngest State Alchemist in the history of Amestris. Ring any bells?" He glares up at her, not moving an inch. He wants to finish his lunch. He needs to wait for Al. He doesn't want to go see Mustang, yet.</p>
<p>"Very well, then, I suppose you can take me to your commanding officer, then?" She lifts an eyebrow.</p>
<p>What, does this lady live under a rock? Ed's face tends to be on the front page of the newspaper at <em>least</em> once a month, whenever he blows something up a little too close to Eastern Command for the press to ignore.</p>
<p>Ed scowls. "I'd really rather not."</p>
<p>The soldiers around them are grinning widely and enjoying the show; Ed makes a mental note to strangle them <em>all</em> for not helping him out here, but he doesn't need their help, anyway. He can take care of himself.</p>
<p>"You can either come with me now and give up the charade before you get into even more trouble than you already are or you can take me to your commander and prove you are who you say you are."</p>
<p>He's not going to convince her.</p>
<p>She's going to keep nagging him until he gives in and drags his ass over to Mustang's office.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p>
<p>"Fine," he grumbles, turning and finishing his meatloaf in one quick bite, quickly followed by the remains of his potatoes. It'd be nice if he could return for seconds and thirds as he was intending, but he'll probably be able to drop in again later, after all this bullshit has been cleared up. For now, though, he's got enough fuel not to want to burn the damn building to the ground.</p>
<p>He shoves himself to his feet and snags the tray to take it over to the dirty bins where he deposits the tray, dropping his crumpled napkin in a trashcan beside it.</p>
<p>"Come on, then," He tells the lady, shoving his hands in his pockets and leading her down the hall and up a staircase, then around three more turns to where he can finally kick in the office door, storming inside.</p>
<p>"Hey." He jerks his thumb over his shoulder at the woman. "Someone tell this lady I work here."</p>
<p>"Who's that?" Breda asks, looking up from a stack of piles.</p>
<p>"Dunno," Kain shrugs from beneath his desk. "We don't usually get visitors."</p>
<p>In an absolutely <em>brilliant</em> display of idiocy, the woman misunderstands his equally idiotic coworkers and takes a step forward to put a hand on his shoulder. Ed doesn't break her hand. Her face is pinched and embarrassed. "Excuse us, we were just here for a school trip and took a wrong turn. Come along, now."</p>
<p>"<em>What?"</em> Ed gapes. "No way. I told you, I <em>work</em> here. Come on, the bastard should be in here."</p>
<p>He shoves her hand off his shoulder and storms forward to bang open the door to Mustang's office. "Colonel Asshole, do me a favor and tell the nice lady I work here so we can all get on with our day, will you?"</p>
<p>Colonel Bastard just props his chin in his hand and smirks at Ed. "A petulant child?" He suggests mildly.</p>
<p>Ed's jaw drops open and he growls, low and furious, from the back of his throat. Mustang's smirk widens minutely.</p>
<p>"Tell her I'm the <em>Fullmetal Alchemist</em>, you overinflated jerk."</p>
<p>"And why should I do that? You kicked open my door and then stormed in here like it's <em>your</em> office."</p>
<p>"I am going to strangle you."</p>
<p>"Are you sure you can reach that high?"</p>
<p>"<em>Who are you calling so short he looks like he should be in kindergarten? Call me that again and I'll cut off your legs and bury them in the desert you asshole!"</em></p>
<p>"<em>Young man!"</em> The woman barks, her face bright red. "That is <em>enough!</em> You and I are going to go wait outside the compound for the rest of the students, and then we are going to return to the school and call your parents for a <em>long</em> conversation."</p>
<p>"Fucking <em>hell</em>, lady, I'm not <em>with your school,</em>" Ed snarls. "I'm a fucking <em>State Alchemist</em>. I get <em>paid</em> to obey this asshole and waste my time hauling my butt across the country, now if you could <em>please go away</em> I'd like to get some sleep after my fourteen-hour train ride!"</p>
<p>The woman grabs his arm- the left one, somehow- and turns to Mustang, nodding her head. "I'm very sorry for interrupting your day, sir. If you'll excuse us."</p>
<p>"Not at all," Mustang smiles, "You've actually provided a wonderful break from my paperwork. I might even be able to focus on it, now." <em>Because Fullmetal will be out of the office</em> goes unsaid.</p>
<p>Ed snarls again.</p>
<p>Mustang smirks.</p>
<p>"You two have a wonderful day."</p>
<p>Ed is going to <em>kill</em> this asshole.</p>
<p>Ed Gets Schooled (By a <em>Teacher!</em>)</p>
<p>The walk back to whatever school these kids came from takes half an hour. Ed spends the entire time plotting his revenge and figuring out how he can make life absolutely <em>miserable</em> for everyone in the office. Also, he needs to let Al know where he is so he doesn't get worried. And he can't let the cut on his ribs rip open again or he'll start bleeding, <em>again</em>, and then there'll be screaming and crying, because ordinary kids don't usually deal with blood very well.</p>
<p>He learned that when he was six years old, back before they'd gone to train with Izumi, and he cut his hand cooking one day. The cut opened up at school the next day- three girls and a boy had started screaming loudly enough they'd had to leave class altogether. (Winry had glared at him and asked why he hadn't gone to Granny's house to get it dealt with, and Al had glared at him and said 'I <em>told</em> you you should have just put a bandage on it, Brother!')</p>
<p>Halfway through the walk, it occurs to Ed that the Bastard has just given him the <em>perfect</em> excuse to avoid giving his report, and starts grinning.</p>
<p><em>Then</em> he realizes that if he plays his cards right, he can wreak a <em>lot </em>of havoc.</p>
<p>Eventually they get to the school, where the floors are brightly colored and the walls have children's paintings along them. They're pretty terrible.</p>
<p>"<em>You</em> are coming with me," Annoying Lady says, once more latching onto Ed.</p>
<p>Let the fun begin.</p>
<p>"Sure," Ed says, letting her lead him along until they reach an office, where she instructs him to sit on one of the wooden chairs and wait for her to finish talking to the principal. Ed studies the paintings on the wall, instead.</p>
<p>They're <em>really</em> terrible.</p>
<p>Seriously. There's one that looks like it might be an impressionist's impression of a dog if it was also bright blue and as tall as the person it's standing next to.</p>
<p>Which, yeah, you <em>could</em> make a chimera like that but it sure as hell shouldn't be in a <em>kid's drawing</em>.</p>
<p>Ed quickly moves on to the next picture. This one is a reasonably decent image of someone's face, and next to that is just a pair of hands. Like, handprints. Not an actual drawing of hands, and certainly not a pair of <em>actual</em> hands, because if there was some sick fuck putting that up in a school, Ed would do more than give him just a headache.</p>
<p>"Young man! The principal will see you, now."</p>
<p>Oh?</p>
<p>He will, will he?</p>
<p>Ed snorts and saunters into the office- not too big, not too small. "Sup?"</p>
<p>"Have a seat, young man." The principal is thin, with wispy gray hair and a surprisingly thick beard.</p>
<p>Ed shrugs. "Sure. Why not?"</p>
<p>The annoying lady sits primly in the seat next to him, her lips pursed tightly. Can he give her an aneurism, he wonders, if he acts like enough of a little shit?</p>
<p>It might be worth it to try.</p>
<p>"Mrs. Carey says you ran off during the field trip today. That could have been extremely dangerous, young man. Civilians are not allowed on military bases without supervision, and you could have gotten into significant trouble."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Ed says, lifting his eyebrow, "So what the fuck was she doing wandering into the cafeteria without an escort?"</p>
<p>The woman turns bright red beside him, but the principal just frowns his disapproval. Ha- three points already. Ed deals with <em>Mustang's</em> disapproval on a daily basis and has a score card for how many eye twitches he can get in ten minutes. This guy's got <em>nothing.</em></p>
<p>"We aren't talking about Mrs. Carey at the moment, we're talking about you." The principal says.</p>
<p>Ed smirks. "So I should do what you say, not what you do? Lead by instruction rather than example? Those in positions of authority are in positions to abuse said authority, after all- shouldn't there be someone to hold them to it?"</p>
<p>"I will discuss that with Mrs. Carey once your own punishment has been decided."</p>
<p>"Mm, see that would be much more convincing if, <em>a</em>, I actually believed for a second you <em>would</em>, and <em>b,</em> you had any fucking authority over me in the <em>first</em> place."</p>
<p>Principal takes a deep breath and lets it out again through his nose, slowly. Four points.</p>
<p>"You should really take this more seriously, young man. If you don't cooperate I'll have to put this on your record."</p>
<p>Ed <em>cracks up</em>.</p>
<p>"Are- are you fucking kidding me right now," He manages to choke out, clutching his stomach and doubling over, "Oooh, <em>scary!</em> You're going to put it on- on my <em>record</em>, like that means jack <em>shit!</em>" He wheezes loudly. "I didn't give a damn about my <em>record</em> when I actually <em>did</em> go to school, old man! I don't worry about my record <em>now</em>, except when villagers try to string me up for working for the fucking military!"</p>
<p>"Young man-" The principal starts again, but Ed cuts him off.</p>
<p>"Look, old man. I'm a State Alchemist. One of the best, and sure as <em>hell</em> the youngest. That means I'm legally an adult. Even if I wasn't, school doesn't have shit that I can't figure out on my own, and most of it's useless to me anyway."</p>
<p>"Do you have any evidence for that?" The principal asks, rubbing his forehead. "Or someone to back your claim? I can't let an unidentified child wander off without their parent or guardian, and you have given us no way to contact either of those."</p>
<p>"Sure," Ed shrugs, "I've got my watch, I can do a couple cool tricks for you, or you can look in <em>yesterday's fucking</em> <em>newspaper</em>."</p>
<p>The principal blinks. He glances at the newspaper covered in papers and forms, then pulls the thing out to flip through it with a frown. He blinks. He looks up at Ed and blinks again. He looks at the paper.</p>
<p>Ed smirks and links his fingers behind his head. "So, now that we've established I am who I <em>say</em> I am, why was this lady wandering around base? Keep in mind I have the rank of a Major in the military when you answer."</p>
<p>He grins at the woman in front of him. She shrinks an inch in her seat.</p>
<p>Ed Gets Schooled (By a <em>Teacher!</em>)</p>
<p>Ed looks around the classroom. It's been years since he did anything like this, but hey, Mustang <em>said</em> he should take a vacation. The classroom- a high school this time, because being in an elementary school would kill more of his braincells than it's worth- is sterile and white, though someone's made an effort to cheer the place up with colorful posters and shit.</p>
<p>They're pretty much all either 'motivational' or history-based. Ed thinks they're all just really stupid. One or two are maps. Another one has pictures of a bunch of old guys on it. By the time the teacher starts talking, Ed is settled in with <em>Runes and Sigils: Alchemic Symbology in Ancient Civilizations</em> and working on using it to decipher a circle he found last month in a book on obscure circles.</p>
<p>"Who can tell me who lead the invasion of Riviere in 1558?"</p>
<p>Ed glances up, some part of his brain processing '<em>information unavailable; solution: acquire,'</em> but his attention is snagged by the map on the wall behind the teacher- not the agricultural map or the map of religions or the climate map, but the map of important battlegrounds in Amestris.</p>
<p>"Um," Ed says.</p>
<p>"Sure, go ahead." The teacher gives Ed an encouraging nod.</p>
<p>"<em>Fuck,</em>" Ed says.</p>
<p>The teacher snorts. "No, actually, it was Jean Louis Armstrong-"</p>
<p>"That's not good," Ed says, standing and walking straight past the teacher to snatch the map off the wall. "Hey, you mind if I borrow this? Thanks."</p>
<p>He rolls the map in about two seconds, ignoring the teacher's protest with years of practice and then he's gone, out the door at a dead sprint. He makes it to the principal's office in eight seconds, stalking up to the receptionist and snatching her phone off the desk. He dials.</p>
<p>"<em>Eastern Command, may I help you?"</em></p>
<p>"This is State Alchemist Edward Elric calling for Colonel Roy Mustang."</p>
<p>"<em>Can you please provide your verification code?"</em></p>
<p>"Sure thing. Code Alpha-six-flamingo-eight-niner-potato."</p>
<p>"<em>Code verified. Please wait just a moment."</em></p>
<p>There's a dial tone. Ed taps his foot impatiently, wishing Mustang would pick up the fucking <em>phone</em> already, why hasn't he-</p>
<p>"<em>Honestly, Fullmetal, what do you need </em>this<em> time? You won't even call to check in on missions, but as soon as you make it back to the city you immediately have to call instead of just coming in?"</em></p>
<p>"Sorry, Colonel," Ed says in his most sarcastic voice. "I'm going to need you to come give me a lift. The stupid school you let drag me off won't let me leave without a parent or guardian. And since we both know my parents aren't likely to show up, and <em>you're</em> the adult who got saddled with me, that leaves you."</p>
<p>"<em>Really, Fullmetal? You can't just </em>walk out the door<em>?"</em></p>
<p>"But Colonel, aren't you the one who's always on me to be responsible? They can't let an unidentified minor just walk out, that would be <em>bad.</em>"</p>
<p>"<em>Fine, you little brat. I'll send Hawkeye to pick you up in an hour."</em></p>
<p>"You'd better come yourself, Colonel. They want to have a <em>conversation</em> with you about my behavior." Ed snickers.</p>
<p>"…<em>I am going to fry you like a </em>chicken<em>, Edward Elric, just see if I don't."</em></p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah," Ed says, "Just make it <em>snappy</em>. I want to get my report over with, anyway. I've got shit to do, you know."</p>
<p>Mustang sighs. <em>"I'll be there soon, Fullmetal. Just don't burn the building down."</em></p>
<p>"Of course not, Colonel," Ed sniffs, "That's <em>your</em> job."</p>
<p>He hangs up, the good humor sliding off his face like it's been transmuted away: Fast and complete. He stares at the receptionist for a long moment, pursing his lips. "You have any spare desks around here? I want to finish this chapter."</p>
<p>He sits and reads until Mustang <em>finally</em> shows up- doesn't he know how to <em>move his ass?-</em> at which point he shoves to his feet and drags him into the hall. "Come on, asshole, we've got a <em>problem.</em>"</p>
<p>He drags Mustang to an empty classroom, glancing through the little windows in the doors until he finds one, then drags them both inside and alchemizes the door shut. He covers the windows for good measure, then turns to Mustang, every bone in his body vibrating with nervous energy as he unrolls the map and jabs his finger at it.</p>
<p>"We've got a problem," he repeats.</p>
<p>Mustang looks at the map for a long moment, examining the evenly-spaced dots and the little dates printed beside each one, and his lips purse tightly. Ed will begrudgingly admit that he gets it pretty quick for an old man.</p>
<p>"I'll admit," Mustang says eventually, "That's really not what I expected you to learn today."</p>
<p>
  <em>Fin.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Geography textbooks in the early 1900s had all kinds of maps in them- agriculture, religion, cultures, trade, average climates, etc. I know this because I worked in a cartography lab for two years in undergrad, and those were some of the books we got our maps from. That's where the other half of this story's inspiration came from: someone, by freak coincidence, sees a fucking map and just immediately realizes that there's some bad juju going down in Amestris. Feel free to drop a review, folks.</p>
<p>Ed: Sees map of Amestris battles. Fuuuuuccckkkkkk.</p>
<p>Ed: Shows Mustang map of Amestris.</p>
<p>Mustang: Fuuuuuccckkkkkk.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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